I’d walk over cotton balls for you
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I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie