Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
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Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
The two types of wives
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Who.
Did.
This?
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.