Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
You Might Also Like
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.