I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
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How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.