If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
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I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter