Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
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Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
finally
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Wake me when AI does housework
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn鈥檛 coming to work
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Pretty much. 馃ぃ
Eggnostic is when you don鈥檛 know which came first, the chicken or the egg
2: What鈥檚 for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what鈥檚 for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I鈥檓 hungry!
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Coffee is ready.