me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
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“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
selena gomez
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.