Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
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Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.