WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
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People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?