None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
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It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
not to brag, but mine was free
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Sing it!