Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
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BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Your honor these allegations are
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
LA today:
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Comparing yourself to others
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space