Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
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Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.