Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
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You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
accurate
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I only eat vegetarians.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*