First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
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It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!