*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
You Might Also Like
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
i’m sure it’s fine
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
😩😩😩
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.