I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
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It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Safety first
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.