Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
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Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
repaired
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.