Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
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Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.