Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
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Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
This is me 🤣🤣
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
BETRAYAL
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.