I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
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early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
my mind
You just read my mind
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl