I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
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The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls