Introverted vegans go meetless
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The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Grandmother clock.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you