The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
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[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.