I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
You Might Also Like
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I put the p in pants.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
channeling her this year
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining