I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
You Might Also Like
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
The 6 types of sex
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”