Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
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Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.