A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
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Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
They did not think through this water fountain
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.