My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
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(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
What a year we’ve had this week.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.