Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
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count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.