Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
You Might Also Like
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Every time my phone rings
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.