Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
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Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I have so many questions.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka