Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
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“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all