People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
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By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
This story is comedy gold 😂