Waiting for the Charmin
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doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Seems a bit forward
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
🖤✌🏽
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”