Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
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ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Me trying to “trust the process”
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!