#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
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Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.