The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
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[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
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HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
TRAIN’S HERE
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable