The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
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THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON