Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
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Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.