This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
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Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.