Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
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I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
best review i’ve ever seen
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.