if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
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I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.