First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
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*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Probably my best painting.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Did I do this right
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.