Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
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WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I鈥檓 saving it for later.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I鈥檇 probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
[party city]
employee: you don鈥檛 work here鈥攚hy are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I鈥檝e got stock holmes syndrome
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
me: time for sleep 馃檪
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
My prescription isn鈥檛 ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
I鈥檓 pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I鈥檓 not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.