Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
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I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..