Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
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Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”