Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
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*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat