Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
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I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped