Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
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Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.