baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
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I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you